A couple of years ago, my courage to climb was tested while on a two-and-a-half-mile hike to Angel's Landing. Sounds fairly easy, but easy is relative. Altogether a five-mile round trip may not sound too crazy challenging, but it was for me. Distance is only one factor of difficulty. Elevation is another. Then there are the relative factors such as the weather, how well you are trained and how you feel when you start. Despite there only being a couple of miles separating me from the summit of Angel’s Landing, there was also 1,500 feet in elevation gain and the matter of my already extremely sore legs. A couple mountain m&m’s (ibuprofen) weren't helping. The day before, my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and I had run our first ultra-race, the Mt. Zion 50k. I still couldn’t believe I had finished. Back in high school, when we had to run a mile for the Presidential Fitness Challenge, I tried to stay home sick. Today, I wasn’t sick, but my body was hurting from head to toe. Pre-race, a hike to Angel's Landing sounded like a great idea. It sounded fun, exciting, and not too difficult.
Post-race, the idea of climbing two and a half miles up seemed ridiculous, dangerous, and oh-so painful. Not only was my body sore but I was still mentally exhausted. The rocky terrain from running the previous day had required over 12 hours of complete concentration. With that said, my family assured me it was good for me to keep my legs moving to help reduce the soreness. I knew they were right, but my mind started searching for excuses to get out of it. What if my legs gave out? Maybe, I could pretend to be sick, possibly I was feeling a little sick…not really. Then FOMO (fear of missing out) set in. The thought of missing out on seeing the view from the top of Angel’s Landing entered my mind. This was a chance of a lifetime; a window of opportunity and I didn’t want to miss it. To miss this view seemed worse than my aches and pains, so I laced up my trail shoes, once more, and said “Wait for me. I’m coming”.
Once we started on the trail, I started to get a little excited mixed with nervous. Excited to go hiking with my family but nervous I wouldn’t make it to the top. We didn’t know what to expect. We had heard Angel’s Landing is considered one of the most dangerous and strenuous trails. After a long series of steep switchbacks, my legs were completely zapped. I considered quitting several times but kept going. Finally, we hit the 2-mile mark and arrived at Lookout Scout. The view from Lookout Scout was beautiful but it wasn’t Angel's Landing, it wasn't the best view. Lots of hikers stopped to take pictures, eat a snack, and get hydrated before continuing to the summit. Some hikers decided they had gone far enough and turned around. Maybe they thought the view was good enough or the risk of going further was too great. I considered turning around but again, FOMO set in. I didn’t want to miss it and asked myself, if not now, then when?
Dangerous, best describes this next part of the trail while determined best describes how I was feeling. The trail was so narrow the heels of my shoes hung over the ledge. Some parts required little shuffle side-step steps while grasping the climbing chains to keep going, at least for me. Did I forget to mention I was and still am a little afraid of heights? Not like frozen in place scared of heights. More like heart racing and sweaty palms. Sweaty palms are not good when holding onto chains to prevent falling. Again, I started to look for excuses or a possible exit strategy. Then I remembered something I had told my kids the day before, just after completing my first 50k. I said something along the lines of "With prayer, some preparation, and a lot of hard work you can do just about anything. When it is hard, keep going! Don’t quit!” With that thought, I started the final climb. At this point, I was either going to see the view from the top of Angel’s Landing or I would get to see angels when I landed, if you know what I mean.
Finally, I made it! The view was majestic! A crystal blue sky enveloped me while I awed at the red rock cliffs jettisoning all around and the warmth of the sun reminded me how high I had climbed. For a few moments, I forgot all about how scary the climb was or how much my body hurt. Not sure if angels land there but if they do, I could understand why. The view reminded me that those who wait on God, get fresh strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They run and don’t get tired; they walk and won’t fall behind. On Angel’s Landing, it was as if I was an eagle. Having been an average bird with a ground-level view most of my life now I could see how wonderful the view is when soaring on wings like an eagle. If I had stayed on Lookout Scout, the view would have been really good but not the best. For the best view, we must train, we must rest, and then continue in renewed strength despite our fear and the difficulty of the path ahead. We must continue in courage, dear heart, and refuse to settle for good when we know great is available.
Today, I’m not on an outdoor adventure trail although it feels like I am running straight into the wind and up a mountain. Instead, I am on my ultra-race to walk by faith. I am trying my best to go at the pace of peace while believing what looks impossible is possible. What began as a step of faith to start Live Light-her has become more difficult than any hike or trail race I have ever done. Often, I feel like quitting and my courage wanes! There are lions of fear and doubt on this journey, and they are roaring so loud it is hard for me to hear Him who ordered my steps. Their roars make it hard to hear the voices of encouragement from family and friends. Are you familiar with these roars?
Less than a year ago, nine months to the day, I stepped out in faith and stepped away from my successful career in Corporate America to start a redemptive business. At the time, the step of faith was big, but I didn’t think ridiculously huge because I believed God had called me. In my mind this meant, if we (my husband and I) had enough faith, God would clear the way. Without a doubt, I believed God would align the right people with the right provision to realize the vision. I believed if I worked hard and prayed hard then “voila”, we would be positioned with a flourishing business to help women. Instead, I am questioning if I heard right! Have you ever stepped out in faith and then wondered if you were stepping in the right direction at the right time?
Part of me wanted to wait and write about this hard part of my journey once everything came together and we experienced the view from the summit. Once Live Light-her is successfully realizing its vision and mission. After we have helped lift lots of women from whatever has been holding them back. I wanted to wait until we have a full line of amazing products and a highly effective business, but then I thought this may mislead someone into thinking the road less traveled is easy.
Some of my highly driven friends may even be asking “Why is she taking the time to write this, instead of working on the business and figuring things out.” A fair question and a good point. I am pausing to write because I feel as if God has told me "it's not time yet" and if I wait to talk about our journey after the ending has been written the factor of authentic faith diminishes. Walking by faith is part of the Live Light-her DNA and that means trusting and believing the view will be worth the climb, even when we can’t see the top from where we are. If I wait to write this part of our story, there is a chance the journey never gets written, or worse yet, it fools someone into thinking the distance was short and the climb was easy.
So far, the climb has been difficult, and everything is taking longer than I had anticipated. Despite praying, planning, and partially preparing for this journey, my position today feels more like discouragement and my posture resembles defeat. Oh dear, I hear you, fear! Before stepping out, I had prayed for several years, took a few steps to prepare, and asked God to confirm the direction and timing uniquely. One of the steps I took to prepare was to build my business acumen by going back to school to earn my MBA. Although earning my MBA in the evenings while working full-time was an awesome achievement, I’m still not sure it was my wisest decision. It built my business acumen as well as my student debt and building a business does not require an MBA. Don’t get me wrong, building a business requires knowledge, and an education helps with that. Yet, I am learning through my experience that, more than anything, building a business requires belief beyond ability, a plethora of prayer, total tenacity, and a team of encouragers.
This next part of the story would be easy to skip as it is difficult to explain yet it is important. This part is what started to build my courage to believe in the impossible. Only a few may believe this part of my story and that is okay, for those few, this will matter in their journey as well. After praying and fasting for three days, I made a special request to God. Although I had prayed a lot throughout my life and I had attempted intermittent fasting for weight control, I had never fasted three days for a spiritual reason. This was a big request and I wanted God to know, I was willing to follow in a big way. In some way, my request was based on the story of Queen Esther from the Bible.
For those unfamiliar with her story, here are a few highlights. Queen Esther was given the task of saving her people, an entire nation but to save them she had to be willing to possibly lose her own life. She needed to talk with her husband, the King, but to do so without being summoned or without him lowering his golden sceptor could mean death. What looked like checkmate for her, and her people didn’t consider the lineage of the Queen. She was the chosen daughter of the Most High King. She had one more move to make and although the queen can move in any direction in the game of chess, this was no game. Maybe, just maybe she was made for such a time as this. She knew she had to make the move but before she did, she prayed and fasted for three days.
Although our stories, the times, and our requests didn’t align seamlessly, I too felt as if I wanted to ask the King of Kings, The Great I AM, to lower his golden scepter and hear my request. Maybe, just maybe, I was made for a moment like this. I wasn’t planning to save a whole nation of people, but I was planning to help set captives free. Over the years, I had heard and read of others who had asked God for confirmation via signs and wonders, so why not me? This was a big decision for us. I had been our primary income producer over the years. A step of faith such as this would not only mean I would be leaving my job, but my family would also leave the security of my income and benefits. Given the risk, I wanted to be sure the vision was not just my made-up idea. I wanted to know if this was a God-given dream and if so, confirm the giver of the dream would go with us on the journey.
As crazy as my special request sounds, I asked God for a shooting star to appear on a specific morning. Guess what? He didn't just give me one shooting star, he gave me two. Seeing the first star stream across the dark of the pre-dawn fall sky, while out on my morning run, on the specific day I had asked for, was AWE-mazing. About a mile later, a second shooting star whirled across the sky. The only words I could utter were “Holy, Holy, Holy”. Instantaneously, I began laughing and crying simultaneously, while trying to comprehend the significance of the moment. Although I had been given the generous gift of confirmation from The Creator of Heaven and Earth, only He and I knew this moment. A little more time would be needed for my family to absorb and support the new direction of our lives.
Over the next six months, I did my best to wait patiently as God better prepared the heart of my husband and that of our children, before handing in my official resignation. Although I didn’t put my resignation in the day I saw the stars, I knew I needed to affirm my commitment to embarking on our new journey. So, I committed corporate climb suicide. I shared my story with my boss and let her know I felt I was being called to leave the company in the next three to six months. This made it real.
A few months later, as the year was ending, I knew the time was nearing. During the holiday season, I came across the familiar passage of Psalm 23. While reading it, I felt as if I had been handed directions for the upcoming year. Once the new year began, I started reading and meditating on Psalm 23 every day. Also, I started reading the 23rd chapter of each book in the Bible (if it had one) starting in Genesis. I do odd little things like this to physically challenge myself or expand my thinking. For instance, I may challenge myself to run 23 miles on the 23rd of the month. Have you ever tried doing something like this? Sometimes this helps break up the monotony and prevent good habits from becoming heavy chains of boredom. With that said, the new year had just begun, and the stirring to officially resign was growing stronger. A few weeks later as I turned the page, my resignation timing was confirmed, and a new start came into view.
As I awoke on that cold winter morning, I knew that day was the day. However, I quickly became unsure as I got in the shower. Have you ever woken up from an amazing dream, ready to change the world, and then reality starts to set in? As I showered, I went from my dream state to the state of my reality. My body woke up and my mind started reeling about how absurd the idea of leaving my job, security, benefits, vehicles, vocation, team, position, and identity was. Maybe I could stay on part-time to keep some income and benefits? Maybe I should delay until all my children graduated high school? Maybe I should stay until we had saved up more money? These were all rational and reasonable ideas given our situation and I don’t think anyone around us would have suggested them differently. Except maybe for one. The One who had tossed a couple of stars across the early morning sky for me only a few months earlier.
My mind started reeling into the abyss of the “what if’s”. Some “what ifs” are reasonable, and some are irrational. What if we can’t pay our rent? What happens if we can’t afford Christmas and Birthday presents? What if I had heard wrong and I was messing everything up? What if this was a great idea with a great mission but it wasn’t God's idea? What if I fail? What if my life becomes insignificant? What if it gets too hard? What if I am too weak? The what-ifs were making me tired and I had just woken up. Then the words from Psalm 23 started flowing through my mind and they were like a sweet spiritual alarm clock. I started to recall the AWE-mazing stars and the mission of helping girls and women who need an extra lift to overcome mountains of impossibility.
It was then, that I felt as if God was whispering to my heart, “Half-in is not what I asked. All-in is what I have asked” Yikes, now what? After getting ready for work, I sat down for a few minutes, picked up my Bible, and started reading the next 23rd chapter. I was on II Samuel 23 and the section was titled David’s Mighty Men. I am embarrassed to say, I started to get sarcastic with God. “Really! This is what you have for me? I am getting ready to make one of the biggest decisions in my life and you want to talk about mighty men? Could we at least talk about some mighty women?” Despite my misguided sarcasm, I read the passage and discovered it was exactly what I needed. Have you ever prayed for something only to get something else and wondered why?
The story in II Samuel tells of a valiant warrior, the captain of the guard, who was known for many heroic deeds. One of which included chasing down a lion and killing him in a pit on a snowy day. As I read this story my mind remembered a book, I had read several years earlier called In a Pit with A Lion on A Snowy Day by Mark Batterson. Followed by another great read from Batterson titled Chase the Lion. Chasing a lion is about chasing your dreams and coming face to face with your fears even when everything is stacked against you. No matter how I looked at our situation, things were and are stacked against us except for this one simple truth, if God’s in it, no force could or can stand against it.
As you can imagine, I had some gigantic lion-size fears. The three fears roaring the loudest were and sometimes still are, the fear of failure, the fear of insignificance, and the fear of hardship, specifically being poor and without. I had been there a couple of times in my life, and I didn’t want to go back, but then I had a thought. Was my pride causing me to have these fears? Do you know what a group of lions is called? A pride. Was I going to let my pride of fears stop me from my divine design and God-given dream? Was I going to let pride stop me from taking a step of faith? Possibly, but then I opened my journal from one year earlier. One year earlier, to the day, I had written about traveling to my friend's cottage to develop a Live Light-her business plan, write out the vision, pray for clarity, and seek God’s counsel. Guess what? While I was there, I got snowed in for three days and I had penned the strategy for starting Live Light-her as well as for defeating the lions of fear. At this moment, I knew it was time for me to take a step of faith. Would you believe there was one more way this was confirmed for me? I’ll save that part of the story for another time but know my official last day at work was February 3, 2023 (2/3/2023).
After calling my biggest supporter, my husband, and confirming we were ready to burn the ships and go all in together, I hopped in my car to head to work. On my way, I turned on Audible instead of music or one of my favorite podcasts. Chase the Lion came on, and I heard the reader say, “Lion chasers defy the odds and make their father proud.”. For such a time as this, I was going to chase the lion. I was praying we would defy the odds and I was determined to make my Heavenly Father proud. Although our step of faith seemed beyond my ability, we trusted it was in line with God’s plan, which meant with a lot of prayer and tenacity believing the vision would come to fruition. Or would it? As amazing as my departure story was, for the past nine months we have been climbing the steep and difficult mountain of hardship with a few glimpses of light piercing between the clouds of doubt.
As I was headed out the door on my last day of work, one of my co-workers handed me a goodbye goodie bag. In the bag were two cards, a beautiful devotional Bible, fancy highlighters, and a candle with a message written on it. All her gifts have been faithful encouragers to me throughout the difficulties of this year, especially the cards which serve as reminders to take heart and keep going to the “finnish”. I know this really should read "finish" but one of the cards she gave me had the word “SISU” written on it and in small letters underneath was typed (finnish). With a glance I thought sisu meant finish and “finnish” was a different way of spelling it. Whoa! I thought to myself. How did she know this about me? How did she know, I am good at starting but have struggled to finish on many occasions? Since then, I have realized two things. First, I am not alone as many of us struggle to finish what we start. Do you? If so, our Encourage-her Community is a place for you to come and be encouraged with stories of hope and inspiration for your journey as well as to offer others glimmers of light with your stories.
Secondly, SISU did not necessarily mean finish but instead, it is a term used by the people of Finland to describe an unrelenting tenacity. When I looked this concept up, no English words can truly describe the full meaning of SISU. My best attempt is to describe it as a super strength from within that refuses to let go of the dream, the vision, and the mission. As I gripped the guide chains up to Angel’s Landing, I gripped the chains so tightly my hands were indented with chain marks, as I was not about to let go. In some way, that's SISU. SISU, is an unrelenting tenacity required when it comes to finishing anything, especially when it comes to climbing the mountains of divine assignment to tread on the heights of faith.
Throughout the past nine months, I have been praying and pursuing God’s plan while working on a business built around an ultimate sports bra designed to help every woman lift the girls and overcome obstacles. When I stepped away from the security of my job, I had developed a six-month start-up plan and here I am nine months later without a product to bring to market. My plan did not include me doing landscaping and other odd jobs to try and help make ends meet in the waiting. Some of my least desired "what if's" have become a reality. If I am really honest, today, I am disappointed and feel discouraged, to say the least, but still not defeated. I have had to surrender my plan and pay closer attention to God’s plan. This means adjusting and continuing. Right now, that means waiting on Him but even in the waiting, even in the without what I want, I remain a daughter of the Most High King. I am no longer focused on chasing my dream, but on the one who gives dreams. I still hear the roars from the lions of failure, insignificance, and hardship but I am choosing to focus on chasing the Lion King!
In my waiting, it only becomes wasting if I stop learning, growing, and worshiping. As I renew my strength in the waiting, I have met amazing people from Ukraine, Ghana, New York, and Florida. As well as Honduras on a mission trip to The City of Refuge orphanage, who showed me what it means to still have joy despite true hardship. I have also met the “AWE-mazing” in people who surround me every day with their love, their prayers, and their encouragement. They keep me going! Thank you! In the waiting, I have been able to make my family dinner most nights and partake in senior year moments with my youngest daughter. I have learned a lot about the apparel industry, especially sports bras and I am in the process of learning to sew. I have continued to run and train for the next race, possibly a 100-miler in 2024. Mostly I have been learning what it means to be an entrepreneur driven by my faith. Often, it means pausing, listening, surrendering, adjusting, and continuing to climb without being able to see the peaks of peace while praying as if I can!
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